I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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