Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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