I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
