Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize