Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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