I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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