Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
