Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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