so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
