remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
