please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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