Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
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