My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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