I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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