Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
