So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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