i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
