Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Randomize
