I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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