my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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