i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
