his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
