mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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