i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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