Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
vagina is talking i cant
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
