Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
