Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
3pm strippers are depressing
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize
