apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
