Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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