I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
