so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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