new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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