By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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