Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
