I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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