Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
my liver is dry heaving
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
