Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
