He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
