Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
