the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
