We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize