How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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