he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
