your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
