we have pet lesbian snakes
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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