ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
