On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
