so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
