Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
