We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
