he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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