Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
