Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
