I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
