just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
