oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Why did my mother make you get naked?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
