Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
