Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
