gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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