This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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