and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
