He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
